The following is chapter one from The Joy of Being Disorganized by Pam Young.
In 2006, the furniture company IKEA released the results of a survey I found very interesting.
Two of the findings were that 1.) Couples who had closet organizers argued three times more per month than couples who didn’t have them, and 2.) Men who owned a Palm Pilot were four times as likely to forget their wives’ birthdays, compared to men who didn’t have the organizer. (It’s not surprising absolutely nobody owns a Palm Pilot anymore.)
Being organized isn’t always what it’s cracked up to be. Even organized people have issues. In fact, most serial killers are highly organized people. They make meticulous plans—probably have a to-do list all written up for each step. They tend to the details and don’t leave messes behind. The point in all this is that being better at organization doesn’t make you a better person. So give yourself a break and stop putting organized people up on a pedestal and subsequently putting yourself down.
A Natural Desire to be Organized
Growing up, my childhood home was perpetually neat and tidy. My mother made sure meals were always on time, seasonal celebrations were planned way in advance, and the house was festively decorated for each season long before Mother Nature executed her handiwork outside our home.
At Christmastime our house twinkled and glittered like a department store window display. Mom had her Christmas cards ready to mail by Halloween. (She even wrote a personal note in each one.) She called me her little piddle dinker and she said it with such affection I never really knew I had a domestic problem until I grew up and got married and she didn’t come with me.
As a result of my upbringing, I spent my first 34 years “trying” to be organized. I wanted to feel that peace and ease I felt in my childhood home. My mother made running a household look effortless and I wanted that too. But with every baby (I had three), I sank deeper and deeper into domestic quicksand. My very critical husband and I lived in a pig pen. To make matters worse, in my immaturity as a young wife and mother, I hadn’t realized the power I had as a creative, spontaneous child of God, and I often used my bed as a guilty recluse from the mess and cranky spouse. Avoidance does not help tidy the house.
I was a deficiency expert, a master at finding substitutions to “make do.” We drank out of jelly jars when all the glasses were dirty. When my husband needed a clean white shirt for work every day, I usually ironed just the front, apologizing, “Sorry, just keep your jacket on and no one will know,” as he’d scowl and fuss out the door. I’d take the kids to school because they’d miss the bus and I often rolled my pajama bottoms up above my knees and wore a long coat to cover up the fact I hadn’t gotten dressed. We were always eating over the sink, sleeping in our clothes, and regularly using candlelight when the electric company turned off the juice. Anything that could get backed-up did: dishes, laundry, bills, garbage, toilets, and gutters and such. We were always working with deficits.
I didn’t want to live that way, but I clearly wasn’t prepared for the real world of home management, even though I took Home Economics in high school. Today, there is no such class in high schools. They don’t teach the real-world issues involved in home management. If they did, nobody would ever get married. After twelve years of struggling, crying, making excuses and apologizing, I lost my spark and fell into a deep depression. My critical husband called me useless, lazy, and dirty, and I agreed. I was a slob. I was very unhappy in my marriage as we fought every day over the mess. There I was, a full-time homemaker and I felt like a miserable failure. I wanted to be like Mom. Why wasn’t I more like her? How did she do it?
Mom Was a BOP (Born Organized Person)
My mom was born on her due date. She came into this world exactly when the doctor said she would and lived the rest of her life on time for everything. Every morning, she made her bed before she even went to the bathroom—said it started her day off with sort of an eminent momentum she kept up all day.
I remember when my sister was born; that threw Mom over the edge. Not because my sister was a challenging child, but because she was another child. (It was good Mom only had two children.) I was five-years-old when my sister arrived, and I remember Mom tried to keep us, herself, and the house spotless. She was a perfectionist. When I look back at any of my childhood photos, my sister and I always look ready for a wedding.
My mom wanted to ease up and “go with the flow,” so much so that she went to her doctor for advice. I was about ten and I remember her conversation with Dad when she came home. “Dr. Butler said I have to get up tomorrow morning and purposely NOT make the bed! He said that I need to find out the world will continue turning if the bed doesn’t get made.”
Dad, being the easygoing one, said, “That sounds simple enough.”
“I don’t think I can do it. I know it’ll bother me all day, but I’ll try.”
Mom never was able to go with the flow very well. I know she really wanted to be more easygoing because she was sick a lot and she knew it was due to the stress she put upon herself over not being able to make things perfect. I really believe it’s much more of a feat for a BOP to ease up than it is for a SLOB (Spontaneous Lighthearted Optimistic Beloved) to get organized just enough to have peace and ease. The former often takes professional counseling.
As you can see I’ve painted two extremes: the BOP and the SLOB. Living at either end of that organization stick is not very much fun! The answer for me was to discover the magnificent middle of that stick, and it starts with recognizing the benefits of being disorganized. (We’ve all had the benefits of being organized shoved down our throats.) The middle of that stick is where the fun begins!
Recognizing the Benefits of Being Disorganized
Most disorganized people are easygoing. We can stop what we’re doing and play with the puppy, spend time with friends, play with our children, or just sit and watch the breeze blowing through the trees. We’re never too busy that we miss the changes in seasons and the delights in nature. We’re not workaholics. Novelist George MacDonald, who inspired many of his contemporary writers like Lewis Carol, J.R.R.Tolkien, and C.S. Lewis, said, “Work is not always required . . . there is such a thing as sacred idleness, the cultivation of which is now fearfully neglected.” I love any writer who encourages me to embrace sacred idleness. Not all the time, of course, but enough to enjoy life. Give thanks for the way you are and that you can partake of sacred idleness too. It’s an amazing gift!
By recognizing the gift of sacred idleness, my sister (who was also a SLOB) and I managed to get organized just enough to get by. We were the first SLOBs to tell the world about our escape from chaos in our best-selling book Sidetracked Home Executives: from pigpen to paradise. The book has sold more than a million and a half copies and is still in bookstores after 35 years. (Actually, since most of our readers are disorganized, I’m guessing that most of them purchased it, lost it, and had to go buy it again.) Because of that bestselling book, my sister and I got to crisscross the country, appearing on television and radio. We even had our own television show on Christian Broadcasting called Cleaning Up Your Act. During that time, I was privileged to meet many stars, including Oprah Winfrey and Katie Couric. These two successful women shocked me when they both confessed to me how extremely disorganized they were. Katie pulled me aside before we were going on The Today Show and told me about borrowing a coat from a friend and returning it with a chicken bone in the pocket. (More on that ditty later.) Oprah also had slobbish tendencies which shocked me. By looking at these successful women and the empires they built, I never would have guessed they were SLOBs like me.
Besides Oprah and Katie, other examples of famous people who are known to be disorganized are: Olympic-swimmer Michael Phelps, Jim Carrey, Steven Spielberg, Robin Williams, Stevie Wonder, Anthony Hopkins, Will Smith, Ted Turner, Ludwig van Beethoven, Pablo Picasso, Babe Ruth, Thomas Edison, Albert Einstein, Abraham Lincoln, Walt Disney, and Bill Gates. Knowing these people are like you should make you feel very good! You are in really good company.
So if it’s such a big deal to be organized, how did these disorganized folks become so successful in spite of their disorder? This is important! THEY SURROUNDED THEMSELVES WITH ORGANIZED PEOPLE. You’ve probably done that subconsciously to some extent. Do you have parents who are organized? A husband? Co-workers? Children? You admire organized people and that admiration attracts them to you, but until now you probably haven’t utilized their strengths the way you could. What’s worse is you may even have let them put you down while allowing yourself to do it also. Then you put them up on organization pedestals. When you do that, you cause yourself friction and stress. Remember that being better at organizing doesn’t make someone a better person. BOPs aren’t better than we are. If you think they are, knock it off!
Use your creativity and think of ways to start utilizing the talents of organized people to your advantage. If you’re married to a BOP, re-think your situation for a minute. Does he love to make lists? Is he willing to help, but he doesn’t know what you will allow him to do? Is he afraid to help on his own for fear you’ll criticize his work?
One thing that gets us into trouble is the idea that we have to do everything for everyone all the time, all by ourselves. That’s simply not true. Our families can pull their weight. Our husbands can take care of things too. Our children can pick up their messes, and we can work as a team with co-workers to get the job done. The key is to delegate, but first you have to know what needs to be done. In Chapter Ten you’ll see “The List.”
Why do we try to do it all? I watched a funny movie called Date Night with Steve Carell and Tina Fey. They played a married couple with three young children. In the middle of their crazy escapades, they had a get-down-and-dirty-heart-to-heart talk about their marriage. Tina’s side of the story was that she was exhausted and he didn’t do a thing to help around the house. According to her, he just came home, ate, watched TV, got in bed, and expected sex.
His side of that story was that he tried to help, offered to help, but he could never do it right, to her standards. He said, “If you’d give up control of doing it all, I would help a lot.” As you think about your spouse, think about how controlling you are. If you have high standards, are they worth being a martyr? Also, remember that your husband was probably raised by a woman. I think there must be a saturation point when the female voice loses its influence on the male, unless, of course, it’s used to seduce. Therefore, on my Make It Fun website, www.makeitfunanditwillgetdone.com, I have a free audio download of a man listing the jobs in each room. You can also listen to me listing the same jobs in a sexy, throaty voice (not for you to use on your spouse, but for you to use to practice giving orders in your most effective voice). Finding that auditory sweet-spot can go a long way towards getting others to do what you’ve kindly, sweetly asked. You’ll learn more about delegating in the next chapter.
Remember the old fable about the grasshopper and the ants? As it’s been told in English, Greek, Latin, and German, the grasshopper goofed off, singing, dancing, and playing his fiddle while the ants worked, gathering food for the winter. While the grasshopper was socializing, the ants were organizing. The organized ants warned the procrastinating grasshopper that he’d be sorry when winter came. According to the fable, when the snow fell, the grasshopper got cold and hungry and had to beg for food from the ants.
We come away from the fable thinking the grasshopper was wrong, that he should have pulled his weight in the summer so he could make it through the winter. The way the tale is spun, it’s about the hazards of playing and enjoying life and the attributes of working hard and being organized. That spin has been around for centuries. It’s obvious the ant colonies of the world have a great lobby.
The lessons that fail to come out of that fable are about imbalance, lack of appreciation, and low self-esteem. It’s about the inability of the ants to find joy and appreciate the music and entertainment given by the grasshopper, and the grasshopper’s failure to assert himself and show the ants his importance as a musician and happy companion. The ants should have been the ones to be warned that if they didn’t find balance between work and play, they might have food, but they could easily end up on a shrink’s couch in search of meaning. All work and no play makes for very dull ants. The ants missed their opportunity to be entertained and be joyful. With a better self-image, the grasshopper would have been able to suggest helping the ants relax and enjoy life in exchange for food. Then everyone would have been happy.
Leave the organizing to the ants; pick up your fiddle and dance! It’s nonsense to feel guilty because you aren’t doing the work someone says you should be doing. Do you think Steven Spielberg feels guilty because he’s not out on the farm hauling hay, slopping hogs, and milking cows? It’s time to enjoy your disorder and learn to delegate.
A Brief Lesson on the Art of Delegating
Handling a household is really like managing a small business. There is a lot to do to keep a home running smoothly. I found a job description for a homemaker in the Wall Street Journal in the early 1980s, which listed the necessary qualities for the position. As you’ll see by the list, managing such a business is a highly creative job.
“Home management involves taste, fashion, decorating, recreation, education, transportation, psychology, romance, cuisine, designing, literature, medicine, animal care, handicrafts, art, horticulture, economics, government, community relations, pediatrics, geriatrics, entertainment, maintenance, purchasing, direct mail, law, accounting, religion, energy management.” (Computers were not in every home in the early 1980s, so e-mail, Facebook, and computer literacy would also be on the list today.) With a list like that, homes are like an amusement park for creative people and we can feel like a kid at Disneyland with a thick book of E-tickets. I like to call it acquisition vs. maintenance syndrome. Acquisition is like getting on that fair ride that promises to take us to thrilling heights. It’s fun settling in the seat and getting strapped in, but then reality hits. We realize we’re in over our heads, beyond our body’s ability to maintain its equilibrium, and we barf up our corn dog lunch in public. Maintenance is the cleanup part of life and it’s not very creative. It’s fun to get a puppy, a car, a boat, a plant, a baby, but then there’s the care and feeding of those things that doesn’t carry the same vibration as the acquiring.
Which is why you need to practice the delicate art of delegating, so you don’t get in over your head. Later, I outline a simple plan for what needs to be done to keep your home peaceful. If you are going to use your voice to delegate, pick a nice, sweet, soft, sexy voice with your husband. You don’t have to have a southern accent, but it does have a way with the opposite sex. When requesting something from your child, use a kind, motherly tone. You’ll find if you smile as the words come out, your voice will carry that smile to the child. If you put your delegation in writing, it takes on authority, especially if it’s typed. When delegating, it helps to preface your words with, “While I make dinner, please _________,” and you fill in the blank. Don’t ask if the person will do it, ask them to do it. Chances are your children aren’t familiar with the concept of a rhetorical question and therefore subconsciously think they have an option to say NO. It may take you awhile to get used to telling, not asking, your family what to do, but tell you must.
BOPs are master delegators and you can learn to be one too. As you practice delegating, you’ll get better and better at it. At first you’ll be uncomfortable telling others what to do, because you want them to like you, but when you see how simple my plan is, you’ll see how easy delegating can be. Just remember, you can’t tell your kids to make their beds if you’re still in yours. Before you panic (especially if you’re reading this book in bed right now), know that your ability to delegate will get stronger as you become stronger in realizing your personal power. Stop playing victim to your disorder which does not serve you, your family, or your world. Whenever you are tempted to put a BOP on a pedestal, remember the fine company you are in, and turn that admiration back onto you.
It’s Time to Celebrate!
In my 35-year career helping homemakers get organized, I have volumes of “woe is me” letters and e-mails. After lectures and seminars, I’ve talked with thousands of women who get weepy when telling me of their failures as homemakers. “Help me, I’m so disorganized and I’m going under for the tenth time.” “I’ve been trying to get organized for twenty years, and I just can’t seem to do it.” “What’s the matter with me? Everyone else seems to be organized. How do they do it?” “I’m organized at work, but at home it’s a disaster.”
Stop Running Yourself Down!
So you had six kids and only planned two. When you sit at the table (that probably wasn’t set before dinner) and you see those four happy extra faces, it’s time to celebrate! Work every day on enlightened selfishness and practice being kind to yourself. Re-read this chapter every time you start to lose your resolve to enjoy life. Remember the grasshopper. He wasn’t wrong; he just had a bad publicist. You are not wrong to put yourself first.
Secrets from this chapter:
